Just.., I want what they had.

*·˚ ༘ ➳ 𝑖𝑛 𝑤ℎ𝑖𝑐ℎ ℎ𝑒 𝑠𝑒𝑡𝑠 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑤𝑜𝑟𝑙𝑑 𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑖𝑟𝑒, 𝑏𝑢𝑡 ℎ𝑒 𝑚𝑎𝑘𝑒𝑠 𝑠𝑢𝑟𝑒 𝑡ℎ𝑎𝑡 𝑎 𝑠𝑖𝑛𝑔𝑙𝑒 𝑓𝑙𝑎𝑚𝑒 𝑑𝑜𝑒𝑠𝑛'𝑡 𝑡𝑜𝑢𝑐ℎ ℎ𝑖𝑚.

    Sometime I just realised, I am indeed feel lonely. For what utter reason? There are others who could live with it, you know? Without the need for the other. I'm jealous of that too. Like how? Did you trained yourself though? Or was it your traumatised reaction. Can't believe I am actually listening to

    I able to be disturbed by this emotion. And there's also another side of me who refused to show that I need love from a man. That shit somehow embarrassing and desperate. Ashamed if my crush find that out too. Just to find out they are just my coping strategies and motivation. I wonder did I really like them whole heartedly?

    I do realised that this might be the negative outcome from my household. Being the only daughter is tough for me. Need to get stuff right. Learned stuff by my own. Responsible of this and that. Need to know my ways. Understand that I am older sibs and have to always prior my young ones. I learn it in hard ways. for me at least. I'm struggling. Not really know the affection. You get me? it is shameful to express love and gratitude. Just... I got to know that I crave for love. Where the root of it? nah. idk. Just can't easily give myself to others too. I built me. and to allow a 'him' to step in was a tough spot. not having 'him' also suffocate me. 

    Being swallowed by the idea of 'him' instead. all those biased from Kpop group, the manhwa-s man, the 2D boy. It was nice while the fun last. Once I got sick of the idea, I'm back to feel grounded. Kind of missing 'him' too. want to say I love 'him' so much but who are you? are you even exist? was there ever a chance for me to have you? What took you so long?

The hell of a life, blessed with rebellious soul.

                        Diandra Melissa, the antelphobia.                   

                                                                                                  (27 Sep 2021)

Grasp another reality, waking up in fantasy.