Assalamualikum 

hye .

I'm back .

again ? with dreadful story huh ?

surely does .. 

I think that i might lost my feeling ..

maybe ..

I ......

what shall I say //

I have a close friend since form 4. Yaww emm at first I'm kinda .. emm lonely. no one bother to be my friend as I could remembered, they even ignore me . I'm.. isolated that time. I thought that my appearances though . I ain't pretty . yap nor cute at all. but nowadays I facing a conflict between friendship relationship bla bla kind of ... there's a girl who had  overthinking that she was left out by her friend and daa she came and join between me and the close friend of mine. there's a problem since she become close with us. one of us might left out. at first the close friend was feeling pushed aside. i could see her react differently from usual when i finally realized the fact behind it.

we can't be friend in three for a relationship. there must be crack somewhere. and that's happen to me lately. so, the third person started to distance from us. and... my relationship with the closer one slowly repaired. not too long after that the third came and ............... . this time I'm the one who felt the left out. they went to the library together ... the thing that I shall do only for both of us but ... someone took away my opportunity . and that when i decide to let them be together as paired. i,.. aah ... i ain't gave a shit on it. i'm too lazy to care about this matter. i know it supposed to hurt me badly but i just can't feel it. I've been living in the boarding school . a place that unfamiliar for me and.. i learn a lot of feelings . i felt hatred. i feel disorder . i feel everything .

I experienced the life without anybody support. i passed everything. did my heart have change into stone ? mostly the pain. the joy that i experience back them 2 years back . i will not find it anymore. even myself had changed into different personality. the talkative once become the quiet. like to make stupid jokes and it now buried somewhere that I, myself don't even know the coordination.

feel love towards a human. i feel that too... the jealousy. you seems to look at me secretly.. and I realized it. you less talk to me than the other girls. your words effect them but why not you do that to me ? you seems to watch me from a far. however, you seems to like the others too but why you look at me like that. the competing. i started to get interest on it . who am I ? who are me ? i leave in confusion . a twist of feelings . I may not be the extraordinary but I ought to stand to be different from the others . someday people will know me well. from bottom to the top. i shall make it true .

The End of today journal. Antelphobia Stephanie